The Psychopath and Sex: This Is Not Love! ? The Ability To Love ...

?**This Post May Be Triggering For Survivors of Sexual Abuse**

There is currently a discussion going on in the private facebook page about a book that one of the survivors is reading called, ?Fifty Shades of Grey?. The comments were fascinating, as well as shocking. At the end of the comments, I had one thought in? mind: What the hell about sex with a psychopath, the most CONTROLLING, MANIPULATIVE, ABUSIVE individual on the PLANET is so great???

Bat shit crazy, I tell ya?.

Here is my perspective, not about a book I haven?t read, but about the comments that followed and of survivors, including myself, who were victims of sexual abuse as children, as well as sexual abuse from the psychopath. YES, sex with a psychopath IS SEXUAL ABUSE. The psychopath is NOT in it for YOU, he is in it for HIMSELF. The ACT is all about HIM, the exploitation is to keep YOU bonded while he takes your money and demands your IDOL WORSHIP of him.? While he is actively sexual with you, he is probably actively sexual with others. Not only are you being sexually exploited and abused, but you are also risking MULTIPLE sexually transmitted diseases. I know, my ex GAVE me one. We want to believe that these people are monogamous because they can FAKE sexuality with us, and we are believing that they are JUST WITH US, but the TRUTH of the matter is, THEY ARE NOT. Psychopaths and fidelity are not mutually exclusive and will never be because of their propensity for BOREDOM. You get OLD real FAST. You are sexually exploited, manipulated, coerced and PRESSURED to have it when HE wants it. Some psychopaths like my ex, WITHHOLD it when they wish to PUNISH you. What about ANY OF THIS IS ?GREAT SEX??

One of the worst experiences we have when the relationship is over, is to review our sex lives with them only to realize that not only were we not the only one, or find out we have an STD,? but the sickening, overwhelming feeling of having been so DEHUMANIZED. This portion of healing will take a long, long time for me personally and add to that a pathological background, filled with sexual abuse, and it will take even LONGER.

I find these comments ?But the sex was great!? very triggering because it is also a reflection of a society saturated by sexual innuendo, porn and sexual dominance masked as some sort of desired fantasy that will lead to a love based relationship, rather than the emotional lead based poison it really is. TV shows, movies, romance novels are filled with this kind of trash that encourages dehumanization, making it EASY for the psychopath to manipulate, coerce and exploit our sexuality. There is a constant subtle encouragement that one needs to run to the bedroom with a man or woman on the first, second or third date and a psychopath will be the FIRST to get you there. The idea for the psychopath and sex, is to get you bonded to him as quickly as possible, so that you will overlook his BAT SHIT CRAZY behavior and not ask any questions about WHO HE IS. MANY women get caught in the oxytocin trap (the hormone responsible for bonding and released during orgasm or breast feeding), and the psychopath KNOWS this. HE COUNTS ON IT. But what I find so distressing is that even after the relationships are over, even with all the emotional, psychological and SEXUAL ABUSE?survivors still count this as the ?greatest sex? they?ve ever had. Many people are capable of great sex, but FEW are capable of LOVE AND SEX. A caring partner is not one in which you are used as an object for the fulfillment of the psychopaths DECEITFUL? goals. In an earlier post, I describe how the honeymoon phase is the most dangerous of the phases. One of the MAIN reasons for this is the SEXUAL MANIPULATION USED AS A WEAPON BY THE PSYCHOPATH. Ever hear the cliche, ?the last thing to go in a relationship is sex?? Because there is nothing more true than this cliche within the context of the relationship with the psychopath. It is THE SEX that we will be hanging onto to try to achieve ?intimacy? with the psychopath when the abuse starts. When you are hanging onto the sex and not the ENTIRETY of the relationship, it would be REALLY good to re-examine your perspective about sex and how it applies to relationships. When the abuse starts we subconsciously transfer any love that we think he MIGHT feel for us in the bedroom. When it?s over for him, IT?S OVER. Just as he pretends that nothing ever happened when you have an argument, the SAME is happening after sex. This is also why they can have sex with you one minute and an hour later with someone else. It is MEANINGLESS and WAS to them.

This is a serious issue for me in my healing journey. My ex psychopath deeply wounded me with his exploitation of me sexually and leaving me with an STD as a parting ?gift?. The extent to which he had MANY women was unimaginable to me. He hid it well, which further adds to the dehumanizing that it truly was. When I reflect upon sex with my ex psychopath, I do not say that it was ?great sex? any longer, because in truth, the memories that are REAL are those in which the sexual part of our relationship meant nothing to him, except as a means to an end. That?s all. Nothing more. The sex itself, MOST OF THE TIME, IN REALITY, was awful. In the ten? years I was with my ex psychopath, I could count the orgasms I had on ONE hand. It was CLEAR that sex was not about love, but about novelty, punishment, control and dominance. And guess who did most of the WORK? The psychopath, the master SEXUAL ABUSER AND MANIPULATOR, exploited and further CREATED more insecurity for me sexually. It was unspoken consequences if I did not please him. I nearly killed myself, doing it. Exhaustion, FEAR and the intuitive feeling that I was nothing more to this man than a porn actress. No, the sex was NOT great, it was the MOST humiliating, ABUSIVE and EXPLOITATIVE experience I have ever had.

What has also been very painful of my realizations with regards to the abuse, was that I had ZERO boundaries with this man. I had absolutely ZERO self respect. ZERO. What woman with any self respect would allow a psychopath to schmooze her to bed within the first few dates, weeks, months? What is worse is that I accepted this treatment, somewhere inside feeling that I deserved it, this is also tied into the humiliating, FAMILIAR sexual abuse I suffered at the hands of THREE men in my childhood and a rape in my early twenties. Society perpetuates it, we perpetuate it, without even realizing it. Sex at the speed of light in dating these days is so common, why wait until after the first date??

Because you and I, we are worth MORE. I was at a severe DEFICIT at the time my psychopath appeared in my life. He knew this and played on it. Hindsight is 20/20 as goes the cliche, however, today what happened then WOULD NEVER happen now. EVER.

AGAIN,? sex with a psychopath is NOT great sex. Sex with a psychopath is SEXUAL ABUSE. IT IS. It?s my hope that more women will think about their sexual relationships? with a psychopath in a way that matches reality. I think in doing so, she can remove the shame that he projected with all of that ?great sex?? that is associated with what was nothing less than his very sick attempt at her dehumanization.

Peace.

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Source: http://theabilitytolove.wordpress.com/2012/08/20/the-psychopath-and-sex-this-is-not-love/

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