And the Battle Rages On?. - Health, Happiness & Skinny Jeans

I have thought about this blog quite a bit over the last few months, unsure about whether I might ever post again, but certain that there was so much that I wanted, that I needed, to share.

I?ve struggled with a lot in recent weeks?but the biggest issue, the one that haunts me almost everyday and follows me around?like a shadow, is the one that was there all along. The one that I discussed once or twice?before and then promptly continued to ignore. The one that leads to so many other problems; insecurity, embarrassment, anxiety, guilty, irritability, resentment, shame.

Binge?eating disorder. The proverbial elephant that has been taking up residence in every room I?ve ever been in since I was a teenager.

The reason I feel like I?ve lied to you; like I?ve lied to myself.

All the while, when I was promoting a healthy lifestyle, encouraging others to eat clean by touting the benefits, teaching a boot-camp to help colleagues reach their health and fitness goals, portraying myself to be someone else, I have been eating with a compulsion and obsession that I still cringe at the thought of.

And then the voice creeps in- the voice that says ?You?ve gained twenty-five pounds in 2 years; you weren?t fooling anyone?- and I just want to hang my head in shame at the thought that I had the nerve to try to convince anyone else that I was anything else but a girl who lacked enough self-control to put the damn bag of chips down!!

On some level it is absolutely mortifying because I know in my heart that people look at this ?problem? and think ?If you aren?y happy just don?t eat XYZ?. They probably think it?s all so simple and I am just too greedy to simply stop eating once I?ve had enough.

What they don?t understand- what they can NOT know- is that I don?t stop when I have had enough?because?there is never?really enough. Binge eating, at least for me, is an attempt to fill a void much more empty than a hungry stomach. There is no off switch.

And even as I type this?I am torn because a part of me thinks that it all makes so much sense, and how its so cathartic to put it out there once again,?and the other is shaking her head wondering when I became so damn messed up??

Those emotions that were there on May 4, 2011 are still very real and very much a part of my day-to-day reality.

I?m still angry, frustrated and resentful that this is my burden to bear.

I still feel ashamed and embarrased that I?ve lacked the control and strength to overcome this.

I am terrified that I won?t ever beat it and instead that it will continue to beat me

I am still so uncertain that anyone truly understands and so worried that I will?face judgement?the moment I put these thoughts out into the universe.

But I am also determined that I am not giving up; that I will continue to fight this, and that one day, some day, I will get past?it once and for all.

There is so much more that I can say. There is so much more that I will say. But for now this is a?journey that had to start here.

Every story has a beginning and this one- the story of how one girl could finally find the strength, the courage and the relentless determination to beat a disorder that was hell-bent on sticking around- starts here and now.

I can?t promise it will be pretty but what I know is that it won?t be easy but nothing that is truly worth it ever is.

As they say it is always darkest before the dawn.

And I can?t wait to feel the sunlight on my face again.

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